by bill - 1991-08-01 ( family / holmes / newsletter )
The Leaky Faucet
"Irritating, yet soothing. Obnoxious, yet hypnotic"
Vol. 3, No. 6, July 30, 1991
Sapphire dispute settled out of court
Steve of Sacramento, CA, invested in a sapphire venture a few solar eclipses back. He was to be "guaranteed" 25% profit, with the possibility of 100% profit. Well, the deal went sour. Steve's partners lost most of their money. And Steve had to settle for the following: $894 (paid some time ago); five sapphires (appraised at over $10,000, though probably sellable for only 10% of that); 20 wooded acres on a hill 7 miles outside of Oroville (with a mortgage to pay off on the property); and a plot of land in a retirement community in Colorado.
We asked Steve to comment on this out-of-court settlement: "Since one of the partners is going bankrupt and the other doesn't have any money," Steve explained, "I can say that I am glad it's finally over. I would have preferred the cash, though."
Lucy trains dogs
Lucy has been conducting an "intermediate" dog training class in Turlock for the past several weeks. Jeannie and her kids, Tiffany and Thomas, attend regularly. It was this reporter's humble opinion that Jeannie's dog Chance had no business being there, since Chance can already do all the things you expect an obedient dog to do. "We're just showing off," Jeannie confided later. Tiffany's and Thomas's dogs are coming along pretty well, too, although Thomas insisted that his Rottweiler puppy is turning into a Dalmatian.
"That's quite impossible," Lucy assured us. "We don't teach them how to do that until the advanced class."
Bill moves. Again!
Surprise, surprise, surprise! The Bill Holmes Travelling Road Show is on the move again. Citing financial difficulties (couldn't find a job), Bill is packing up his belongings and moving back to Los Angeles. Yes, L.A. "I hated to do it," said Bill. "But some things are just unavoidable." He worked it out with his temp agency in L.A. so that he will be going back to the same firm he'd been temping at before he left. By the time you receive this newsletter, he will probably have already left.
HUMANITARIAN OF THE MONTH
This month's winner of the "What A Guy" Award is GREG HOLMES! He was chosen over several thousand other contestants for his fundraising efforts on the "Save Dad's & Eleanor's Air Conditioner" project. (See previous issue for details.)
The Leaky Faucet accepts the award on Greg's behalf.
If anyone out there wants to buy some sapphires or a retirement lot in Colorado, or both, call Steve at (916) xx-xx. He could use the money.
While looking at a car with her mother recently, Denise was heard to say: "So, how many doors does it have, anyway?"
Went to an interview recently in Modesto (yes, I was desperate) for a "software/hardware support" position. Toward the end of the interview, they asked eight questions from a prepared list. I thought you might find these questions interesting. They would've been pretty good questions, actually, if it wasn't for the fact that I was the one being asked. I got the impression someone had taken a lot of time developing these questions and is now selling them through management seminars. Anyway, here they are:
1. What is your greatest accomplishment?; 2. What is your greatest disappointment?; 3. Describe the best boss you ever had; 4. Describe the worst boss you ever had; 5. If you were presented with a problem that you had never encountered before, how would you go about solving it?; 6. What makes you a good leader?; 7. What makes you a good follower?; 8. What are your two best qualities?
As if interviews weren't bad enough already, they have to come up with questions like these?
Remember the novel All Across America? by that well-known author Steve? No? Well, it's finished. And as soon as Steve comes up with the money, he'll be publishing it himself.
Speaking of literary masterpieces, I just read a spy novel by Len Deighton called "Berlin Game." And, I must say, it was excellent. Deighton is probably the best spy novelist I've read to date. Yes, even better than Ludlum and LeCarre.
Steve and Denise hosted a video/slide show/party recently. The party started off well. Dad was explaining how he is a "physiological freak" (his own words), due to a peculiar joint, or lack of a joint in his left thumb. And that, of course, brought a flood of similar "confessions" from the other partygoers. Doug made the shocking revelation that he has an "extra rib." And Steve, of course, had deformities too numerous to mention. When it came time to show the slides, Dad realized he forgot to bring the slide projector. So he ran out the door before anyone could stop him. While he was gone, everyone watched the video of Steve and Denise's trip back east. Eventually, Dad returned with the projector and they watched slides of Japan.
Injury, Argument Mar "Friendly" Game
Brothers Bill and Steve got a little too rambunctious at a recent Sierra Club volleyball game. Bill was in the setter's position and going for a ball. Steve was in the back row and judged that Bill couldn't get to the ball, so Steve also went after the ball. That was a mistake. They collided. And Steve twisted his ankle (slightly). "Serves him right," Bill said, disgustedly. "He's always trying to hog the ball!"
"I think he did it on purpose," Steve retorted, "just so he'd win the next tennis match."
That next tennis match came less than a week later when Steve and Bill, along with their brother Doug and nephew Mike, played a marathon doubles tennis match in Sacramento. First it was Steve and Doug versus Bill and Mike, with S & D winning 6-0. Then it was Steve and Bill versus Doug and Mike. This set was tied 6-6, and there was some confusion as to the rules regarding tie breakers, so they made up their own rules and Steve and Bill won the set, 7-6.
Before the third and final set, a city parks "ranger" demanded $4 ($1 apiece) before letting the foursome continue. Everyone but Steve claimed to have left their wallets elsewhere. So, Steve ended up paying for everyone. What a guy! (He was a runner-up in the recent "What-A-Guy" competition.)
Finally, the third set began. It was Steve and Mike against Doug and Bill. D & B were ahead 5-3 before S & M tied it up (no pun intended) 6-6 and forced another tie breaker. S & M ended up winning it 7-6. After the match, Steve was heard to say, "Did you notice I was on the winning team every time?"
More tennis: A few days later Steve, Denise and Bill played "cut-throat" (a rotating two against one tennis game). Of course, Steve won on points (he was the only one keeping score).
A week later in Livingston, Mike [redacted], playing a much improved game, kicked his uncle Bill's butt, 6-2. "He had the home-court advantage," Bill said, as if that explained anything.